Passionate Pesto: Great for dinner parties and orgies, alike!!

If you’re going to “Go Roman,” why not indulge in Italian, Ci?

This pesto recipe is potent yet simple; the only thing that distinguishes it is the quality of its ingredients. For example, I never prepare this dish without fresh basil from my own herb garden. It has never failed me. You will continue to be wildly successful.

Necessities in approximate measures:

1. Salt, ~¼ tsp.
2. Fresh Basil, ~1 cup of loosely packed leaves.
3. Garlic, 1 peeled clove to press.
4. Pine Nuts. You may substitute peeled almonds, but toasting will be a little different.
5. A finger of Parmesan cheese. Of course it will be processed, but a freshly grated block has more umph – the way you like it.
6. Extra Virgin Olive Oil. I’ve found Kirkland’s EVOO to be superior to some really pricey imports.
7. Medium-sized rock shrimp is highly recommended, but you can use just about any shellfish or poultry in pesto. Make sure they are peeled and de-veined as shrimp shit is not sexy.
8. Cherry tomatoes, sliced.
9. Goat Cheese. You may substitute Feta for the less adventurous.
10. Pasta. Linguini is preferable. It’s slurpable, messy and fun!

First, start readying the pasta like your mamma taught you. Along with minimal salt, I add a few dashes of EVOO to the water so the linguini doesn’t stick.

Now, the most challenging part is toasting the pine nuts. I’ve found that it works best with a toaster oven. I admit it took a lot of trial and error until realizing that one must sacrifice a few that are especially quick to blacken. Be sure to explain this so no one loses confidence when they smell burning pine nuts. Spread about two heaping tablespoons on the toaster tray. Have the glove ready – you don’t want to go searching for it when you need it! Toast and watch constantly. Allow a few to blacken while most turn golden, then immediately transfer to a dish so they stop cooking. Toss out the burnt ones, and place the rest in the food processor.

Grate about a tablespoon of Parmesan and press one clove of garlic into the processor. Feel free to use more but it will void my guarantee.

Pour in enough EVOO to cover everything and hit the processor a few times.

Add the basil and process until you have a nice and thin slurry.

By this time you should have placed your pasta in the boiling water and it’s nearly ready. It’s important to aim for a randy al dente consistency to subliminally state your purpose.

Shrimp will cook super fast over medium high heat in melted butter with salt & fresh ground pepper to taste and a generous squeeze of lemon juice.

Toss the cooked shrimp and linguini with the pesto.

Serve with sliced cherry tomatoes arranged on top. Offer freshly grated Parmesan just like Olive Garden, which your date is certainly very thankful not to be going to. I then allow the goat or feta cheese to my guest(s) discretion.

Accompaniments:

My wine suggestion would be an Arneis variety, which is a little known Italian white known to be light and easy to drink. It goes very well with summer fare.

A quality baguette with EVOO, balsamic vinegar, and freshly grated Parmesan and ground pepper for dipping is a must.

Venus and Organist and a Little Dog - Tiziano Vecellio

Finally, if he/she’s a keeper, deploy Mozart and Da Ponte’s collaborative effort, The Marriage of Figero, otherwise, may as well turn on Bolero – it’s like lubricant!

ROCK STAR BANANAS FOSTER THAT WILL KNOCK YOUR PANTIES OFF!!!

Artist credits pending

Bananas are quite possibly the perfect fruit, especially for this blog. They are low-calorie, nutrient-rich phallic aphrodisiacs that can also make delicious, sticky lube in a pinch. And if you’re just a bit extra naughty, the peels make fun little whips. No wonder some Indians offer them to fertility gods; Islamic lore suggest it was the forbidden fruit; the red sap is regarded by some Central Americans as an elixir to enhance one’s libido; the list goes on according to Google. In celebration of the widely versatile and revered banana, I present to you the Michael Hutchence of desserts! Second time I’ve referenced male sex-icons; don’t read too much into that.

Because of the showmanship involved, bananas foster is hands-up my favorite, and this is a conglomerate of preparations I’ve had since childhood. The most influential was from a little up-scale restaurant in my hometown, Big Jim’s. The owner was a well-loved, great big Greek dude without a filter or volume control. His establishment was renowned for quality, but he was also a master of presentation - bordering on gaudy. He employed a fellow virtuoso, who would flawlessly enact a table-side demonstration, which would go on to inspire my later performances (I owe you for this one, Wes)

Necessities:

Artist credits pending

• Some damn bananas, of course. Make sure they’re a little on the “greener/firmer side.” 
• Quality vanilla bean ice cream (Don’t skimp. You want a solid ice cream that won’t melt immediately) 
• Light brown sugar, about 1 & ½  cup 
• Butter, about 1/3 stick 
• I use 99 Bananas Liqueur because it's 99 Proof, about ¼ cup 
• I use Bacardi 151 Rum - it kicks it up a notch, about 2 tbsp 
• Cinnamon, about ½ tsp 
• Nutmeg, about ½ tsp 
• Clove, about ¼ tsp 
• Fresh orange zest, about 1 tsp 
• Fresh Mint leaves (garnish, but still important)

This recipe is pretty dangerous, but if you pull it off, then you can . . . pull it off *Giggity*

1. Cut the bananas as you please. I like to cut them in half, then twice length-wise for a total of eight pieces. 
2. Over medium heat, melt the butter 
3. Mix the Cinnamon, Nutmeg and Clove 
4. Add the light brown sugar and orange zest along with the spices, but save a few pinches of the spices for later. 
5. Talk shit and patiently stir until only a small amount of gritty consistency remains, at which time you . . . 
6. Add the bananas and carefully stir them in the mixture, then as they soften . . . . 
7. Dim the lights a bit 
8. Place the liqueur and rum in a cup with a handle or a small sauce pan and carefully light it 
9. Hold flaming concoction over the pan and slowly pour it in from about 3 inches from the bananas and while pouring in the blue flame, raise it up higher but keeping it from splashing out. Catching fire is not sexy, but this makes you look amazing. It’s worth the risk. 
10. While your audience is “wowed” from the flaming bananas foster, sprinkle in the spices that will brilliantly burn in the flames and look really awesome. 
11. When the flames go out, remove from heat and serve over quality vanilla bean ice cream. 
12. Garnish with Mint

  YOU'RE A ROCK STAR!!!

Lifted from his profile pic, Michael Hutchence Facebook page

Leonard Cohen

Here’s a quickie to start out easy, but don't underestimate its potency.

Lifted from www.artistdirect.com

Named after one of my idols whose discography I own nearly all on vinyl, I call it the “Leonard Cohen” without his permission. I did ask on his Facebook page but Leonard Cohen hasn’t answered yet – but I hear him calling all night long (Tower of Song reference). I figure he would be honored as Mr. Cohen is a dangerously seductive, French-Canadian, Poet-King of Music. (And speaking of the King, you know Elvis had a thing for fried PBJs; however, they did not serve him well, RIP)

As with any of these recipes, mood is key. The atmosphere demands perfect lighting and sound. I suggest Maître Cohen’s Dance Me to the End of Love, I’m your Man, Closing Time, etc . . If you have none, stop being a Philistine and go get some! It may be all you really need.

Necessities:

Fresh Croissants (French)

Nutella (Canadian)

Peanut butter

Banana

Jam I like grape. She prefers raspberry. We compromise and use raspberry . . means-to-an-end, ya'll

Extra Virgin (LOL) Olive Oil mister Only if it’s available to you!

Let's get to it - this can get messy, but that can also be a good thing!

1. Lights, music, sexy eyes (requires practice in front of a mirror) 
2. Cut the moist, fresh croissants in long halves, but not all the way. They should be slightly attached and somewhat suggestive *wink* 
3. Ever so lightly, spray the croissant inside and out with EVOO. DO NOT USE A BRUSH – you’ll put too much on and fuck it up. The EVOO just makes it nice and crisp; you don’t want it greasy . . . yet. 
4. Open-faced, toast the croissants to a light brown in a pre-heated oven at 350 degrees. 
5. Spread Canada’s gift to the world on one side 
6. Spread George Washington Carver’s gift on the other 
7. Spoon on some jam 
8. Finally, arrange very thinly sliced bananas in the introitus

Now, say something funny, make her laugh, use protection, and if you’re adventurous maybe a little Nutella, jam and GO BANANAS!!

Who am I and what authority do I have to blog about sex and the culinary arts?

It’s no secret that I’m fond of food and company. I’d much rather go hungry than to not share my meal. As the social element of dining is crucial for me, the pinnacle of social interaction, love-making, is only a natural accompaniment, thus the tongue-in-cheek title.

Who am I and what authority do I have to blog about this? I am no one special, and I have no authority. I am an early 30-something family guy who practices high-stakes medicine and researches cancer in the field of pharmacogenomics. I live in a southern US coastal city and prefer dogs to cats. I’ve never seriously considered myself a chef but enjoy preparing food. I won’t pretend to approximate the skill of professionals. Indeed, I have “taken liberties” with their work. These are simply a collection of very memorable experiences that were modified to my taste and expectations – not necessarily better but changed to my liking.

Will these combinations of ingredients get you laid? Each of them has worked for me. Also, it’s statistically/biologically plausible. Fellas, women are particularly sensitive to smell, taste, texture, and presentation of food. A satisfying meal causes release of dopamine (brain’s happy chemical) associated with reward (orgasm). Chocolate is especially potent. Ladies, you’ve got to be kidding – just warm up some leftovers if it makes you feel better. All you really need to do is show some cleavage; we’ll do the rest. Although our behaviors are very different, the dopamine hypothesis does apply to guys, as well. Furthermore, if you shunt blood away from the periphery to digest food, then more blood is available for autonomic functions (part of the nervous associated with getting it on) especially augmenting male preparedness for “being social.”

But will you get lucky? To really answer that question: your partner is most appreciative of the effort that you put into carefully preparing a meal or treats for his/her enjoyment. It’s even better if you both can participate in the process as it is a marvelous way to get to know one another. This should be reserved for simpler recipes like the first to be posted. Speaking from experience, my wife and I had self-inflicted the “lasagna test” which questioned our overall compatibility as a couple. If the two of you can make complex lasagna from scratch, then you should probably marry.

I hope you enjoy this blog and find it useful.

Cheers,

Chef Bafo!