PRIMAL BANG

Any time I experience orgasms most mortals wouldn't survive, I habitually take note of what we had for dinner. One recent near death experience followed a millennia-old tradition. I came back from a hunt, with meat. She was ovulating and hormonally optimized. I cooked a rugged and fucktastic meal. Primal urges prevailed.

Anthropology of Sex or more specifically, Evolutionary Sex Psychology has always fascinated me. Yes, I may be pulling words out of my ass, but there will always be an echo from our Hunter-Gatherer days emanating from the recesses of our mid-brain, controlling our hormones, and modifying our sexual behaviors.

For example, I was flipping through a men's mag a few years ago and as I recall, it stated that today's women remain physically attracted to men with strong physical features, particularly a low brow, chiseled facial structure, and of course muscular. I've also perused academic ethnographs on the subject matter supporting this theory, as well. They typically go on to state that while females desire to breed with these super-males, all is not lost; they look for security from another more capable modern partner to have a lasting relationship.

 

This is where I invite you to tap into those hunter gatherer needs and desires that are so primal, and use them to your advantage. *Go hunt. Kill your own dinner as opposed to relying on an animal farm to process it. Cook it over a flame. Grow hair on your chest (This one's directed more at the guys). Get some cave woman pussy. It's really that simple.

*A brief note on hunting: Although wild game is a superior, low-fat, high-protein, free-range, antibiotic-free, pesticide-free, organic meat, it can be dangerous to do-it-yourself. Not everyone has the skill or psychological ability to kill an animal. Don't do anything you don't want to do. There's always wild game at Whole Foods, Trader Joe's or any other luxury food mart. I recommend New Zealand venison filet (here, we just call it deer meat).

The choice cut is the loin filet or psoas muscle, also called "back tenders." It is among the most exquisite and flavorful meat you will ever taste. This is how I do it:

Several two-inch cubes of venison filet

Thin bacon strips

Tooth picks

Apple cider

Your favorite barbecue sauce

In the refrigerator, soak the filets overnight covered in cider. Pat dry, and marinate with BBQ sauce for at least two hours. Wrap in thin bacon, securing with a tooth pick; thick bacon will ooze too much fat and cause flare ups if cooking over coals.  Grill until the bacon is crispy and blackened. Serve up some man meat.

CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKE OVERTURE

From Funatiq.com

So you enjoyed last night's opus and your sexual appetite demands an encore?

Pancakes are a great start and are among the easiest breakfast meals to whip up. The most important thing to remember is to NEVER buy pancake mix! You're better than that. Here's a basic pancake mix from scratch that you can easily have your way with. For example, take out the chocolate and add some bananas, raspberries, or blueberries, etc. Make it your own, ya sexy bitches.

From Godiva Manor

INGREDIENTS:

From Godiva Manor

3/4 cups of cake flour (If you use all-purpose, then sift it about 20 times, but I suggest springing for the good stuff.)

1 1/2 tablespoon of cocoa powder

1/2 tablespoon of baking powder

1/2 tablespoon of sugar

1/2 teaspoon of salt

1 1/2 tablespoons of melted butter

1/2 cup of milk - If you thought ahead (you confident fuck), buttermilk can sub in at a 1/4 cup, but use a 1/4 cup of milk, too.

1 egg

Semi-Sweet chocolate chips to taste

Simply, whisk together all the dry stuff, except the chocolate chips. Scramble the egg and mix with all the wet ingredients. Blend both to a smooth batter, then add the chips to your liking. Cook over medium heat in a non-stick pan. Don't try to flip them without a spatula unless you've practiced to a 100% success rate. Dropping your pancake on a burner is not sexy.

To "kick it up a notch," make whipped cream by whipping 1 cup of heavy cream, 1 teaspoon of vanilla and 2 tablespoons of sugar. You can add a few ounces of softened cream cheese, if you like. 

From Godiva Manor

Serve the pancakes with whipped cream, and sprinkle with more chocolate chips. For extra fuck-points, dust with confectioner's sugar to garnish.

These are so tasty, you can even forgo the syrup. If you do use it, I recommend Oh Boy . . . . Oh God! Oh God! Yes!! YESSS!!

From the Rabbit of Seville

Which brings me to my final point . . . Gioachino Rossini: The Barber of Seville. The overture will mask the screams of joy, and it goes nicely with chocolate chip pancakes. 

AWARD–WINNING, GHIRADELLI–CHOCOLATE, MAKER’S MARK–BOURBON, PECAN PIE WITH SALTED CARAMEL & WHIPPED CREAM

       I just won a prestigious pie baking contest with this one! It was quite amusing.  I was lined up along side a bunch of elderly women, and my pecans spanked their apples! Here, food is everything, and it was judged by actual pastry chefs disciplined in the culinary arts. (In case it's not clear, I'm very proud, right now)

      This is a dangerous pie. Wrap your lips around it at your own risk. I recently informed a very good friend, Iva, that it's quite possibly the worst thing for one’s health, which can be placed in one’s mouth besides a crack pipe. 

       I often indulge, and other times, I fast. One seems to amplify the positive effects of the other. Of course I’m not going to drivel on about fasting. This blog entry is devoted to fearless decadence. Among the list of unhealthy ingredients are copious dairy fats, simple sugars, salt, and even bourbon whiskey! Furthermore, it can be acutely dangerous if you’re unfortunate enough to be allergic to nuts – it may then kill you. But at least you’d die with some pretty fucking awesome southern gourmet in your sexy, edematous gullet.

So it is dangerous, but is it sexy? There’s quality chocolate, alcohol and nuts. Someone may get hurt (or even pregnant).

START WITH THE FLAKY CRUST:

2 ½ cups cake flour sifted twice
1 tablespoon sugar
1 teaspoon salt
2 sticks of very cold unsalted butter (or one large block of Plugra)

       Whisk flour, sugar and salt. Cut the VERY cold, unsalted butter into small cubes and sprinkle over the flour while working them in with a pastry blender. A Kitchen Aid quality mixer makes this process easy. Stop when the butter pieces are the size of tiny peas/pellets. Very slowly, add about a half-cup of ice-cold water and knead the dough. Form a disc and wrap in plastic, then chill in the fridge for a few hours before rolling it out and lining your pan. Keep refrigerated until ready to bake.

*It’s important to keep every thing as cold as possible in order to not let the butter melt. This makes for a very flaky crust when the pockets of butter do melt. I actually chill the dry ingredients and place the mixing bowl in the freezer for a few minutes. Another secret ingredient to be used sparingly if you need more moisture is freezer-cold vodka. It has neither aroma nor taste, and the alcohol will evaporate when baking.

FILLING:

5 tablespoons unsalted butter (prefer Plugra)

1 cup packed light brown sugar

3 tablespoons of quality Bourbon such as Maker’s Mark

¾ cup light corn syrup

1 ½ teaspoons flaky gourmet sea salt

2 cups chopped, lightly toasted pecans

4 ounces of Ghirardelli semi-sweet chocolate chips

2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

3 eggs, lightly beaten (save a small amount of egg white)

       In a medium saucepan, add corn syrup, butter, sugar and salt. Bring to a boil then cool to room temperature. Whisk in eggs and vanilla; then stir in the chocolate and pecans. Brush the pie crust with egg whites, then pour the mixture into the pie pan and bake at 350 for 45-55 minutes. Tent the edges loosely with foil to keep from browning too quickly. I take the foil off and brush the crust edges with a small amount of olive oil so that it browns perfectly for the last 10 minutes.

SALTED CARAMEL AND WHIPPED CREAM TOPPING:

Caramel: Add one cup of sugar and a ¼ cup of water in a small saucepan and dissolve the sugar bringing to a boil. As it darkens, remove from heat and whisk in ¾ cup of heavy cream. Stir in 3 ½ tablespoons of unsalted butter and one teaspoon of salt. Allow the sauce to cool.

Cream: Whip one pint of cream, one tbsp of confectioner’s sugar, ½ tsp of vanilla extract, and one ounce of softened cream cheese to soft peaks.

Serve dollops of cream with the pie and drizzle with salted caramel garnished with a pinch of flaky sea-salt.

Creative/gifted minds will discover additional uses for whipped cream and caramel.

One Tough Cookie (the girl actually)

Guys & Gals,

If ever you needed a muse, I encourage you to support your nearest roller derby league, especially if you’re fond of hot, female aggression in thigh-high fishnets and miniskirts.

Vinyl Wrecker By Shutterpunk

I’ve always had a "hard spot" for these tattooed vixens on wheels. Sometimes when watching a bout I might ponder: If I weren’t married and oversexed, then my fem-dom fantasies might have a chance to manifest. I have had the pleasure, however, of getting to know a very special roller girl who once shared her mighty fine cookies. These spicy little treats remind me of her.  They have moxie - a necessity among derby chicks.  These amazons who can work the hell out of a pair of booty shorts also happen to be really out-going, amazing women, inspiring those less sexy.

Here’s how it all breaks down:
¾ cup of melted butter

1 cup of sugar
¼ cup of molasses
1 large egg
2 cups of cake flour (all-purpose is fine, too)
2 teaspoons of baking soda
½ teaspoon ground cloves
½ teaspoon ground ginger
¼ teaspoon ground nutmeg
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

www.windycityrollers.com

1) In a large bowl, add all the dry ingredients [flour, sugar, baking soda, and spices] and mix evenly.
2) Stir in the wet stuff [butter, egg, and molasses] then beat the fucker thoroughly!!

3) Refrigerate about 10 minutes to firm the dough

4) Preheat the oven to 375

5) Pinch off about a testicle-sized ball of dough and pound it into a small patty with your fist. You can roll it with a pin, but that’s no fun!

6) Arrange them on a cookie sheet with plenty of space because they get HUGE. (Foil or parchment paper on the sheet means less messy clean up)

7) Smile and sprinkle sugar on top but don’t apologize for the abuse.
8) Cook about 8 min . . . more for crispy

You will make about six cookies at a time, which is really great because as you open and shut the oven, the whole house will fill with this spicy aroma that smells like Halloween, Thanksgiving, AND Christmas.  The “sugar n’spice” taste of these cookies inspires your “everything not-so nice”, sexy side.  Just like those hellcats on the track.

Joerollerfan.com

 

Passionate Pesto: Great for dinner parties and orgies, alike!!

If you’re going to “Go Roman,” why not indulge in Italian, Ci?

This pesto recipe is potent yet simple; the only thing that distinguishes it is the quality of its ingredients. For example, I never prepare this dish without fresh basil from my own herb garden. It has never failed me. You will continue to be wildly successful.

Necessities in approximate measures:

1. Salt, ~¼ tsp.
2. Fresh Basil, ~1 cup of loosely packed leaves.
3. Garlic, 1 peeled clove to press.
4. Pine Nuts. You may substitute peeled almonds, but toasting will be a little different.
5. A finger of Parmesan cheese. Of course it will be processed, but a freshly grated block has more umph – the way you like it.
6. Extra Virgin Olive Oil. I’ve found Kirkland’s EVOO to be superior to some really pricey imports.
7. Medium-sized rock shrimp is highly recommended, but you can use just about any shellfish or poultry in pesto. Make sure they are peeled and de-veined as shrimp shit is not sexy.
8. Cherry tomatoes, sliced.
9. Goat Cheese. You may substitute Feta for the less adventurous.
10. Pasta. Linguini is preferable. It’s slurpable, messy and fun!

First, start readying the pasta like your mamma taught you. Along with minimal salt, I add a few dashes of EVOO to the water so the linguini doesn’t stick.

Now, the most challenging part is toasting the pine nuts. I’ve found that it works best with a toaster oven. I admit it took a lot of trial and error until realizing that one must sacrifice a few that are especially quick to blacken. Be sure to explain this so no one loses confidence when they smell burning pine nuts. Spread about two heaping tablespoons on the toaster tray. Have the glove ready – you don’t want to go searching for it when you need it! Toast and watch constantly. Allow a few to blacken while most turn golden, then immediately transfer to a dish so they stop cooking. Toss out the burnt ones, and place the rest in the food processor.

Grate about a tablespoon of Parmesan and press one clove of garlic into the processor. Feel free to use more but it will void my guarantee.

Pour in enough EVOO to cover everything and hit the processor a few times.

Add the basil and process until you have a nice and thin slurry.

By this time you should have placed your pasta in the boiling water and it’s nearly ready. It’s important to aim for a randy al dente consistency to subliminally state your purpose.

Shrimp will cook super fast over medium high heat in melted butter with salt & fresh ground pepper to taste and a generous squeeze of lemon juice.

Toss the cooked shrimp and linguini with the pesto.

Serve with sliced cherry tomatoes arranged on top. Offer freshly grated Parmesan just like Olive Garden, which your date is certainly very thankful not to be going to. I then allow the goat or feta cheese to my guest(s) discretion.

Accompaniments:

My wine suggestion would be an Arneis variety, which is a little known Italian white known to be light and easy to drink. It goes very well with summer fare.

A quality baguette with EVOO, balsamic vinegar, and freshly grated Parmesan and ground pepper for dipping is a must.

Venus and Organist and a Little Dog - Tiziano Vecellio

Finally, if he/she’s a keeper, deploy Mozart and Da Ponte’s collaborative effort, The Marriage of Figero, otherwise, may as well turn on Bolero – it’s like lubricant!

ROCK STAR BANANAS FOSTER THAT WILL KNOCK YOUR PANTIES OFF!!!

Artist credits pending

Bananas are quite possibly the perfect fruit, especially for this blog. They are low-calorie, nutrient-rich phallic aphrodisiacs that can also make delicious, sticky lube in a pinch. And if you’re just a bit extra naughty, the peels make fun little whips. No wonder some Indians offer them to fertility gods; Islamic lore suggest it was the forbidden fruit; the red sap is regarded by some Central Americans as an elixir to enhance one’s libido; the list goes on according to Google. In celebration of the widely versatile and revered banana, I present to you the Michael Hutchence of desserts! Second time I’ve referenced male sex-icons; don’t read too much into that.

Because of the showmanship involved, bananas foster is hands-up my favorite, and this is a conglomerate of preparations I’ve had since childhood. The most influential was from a little up-scale restaurant in my hometown, Big Jim’s. The owner was a well-loved, great big Greek dude without a filter or volume control. His establishment was renowned for quality, but he was also a master of presentation - bordering on gaudy. He employed a fellow virtuoso, who would flawlessly enact a table-side demonstration, which would go on to inspire my later performances (I owe you for this one, Wes)

Necessities:

Artist credits pending

• Some damn bananas, of course. Make sure they’re a little on the “greener/firmer side.” 
• Quality vanilla bean ice cream (Don’t skimp. You want a solid ice cream that won’t melt immediately) 
• Light brown sugar, about 1 & ½  cup 
• Butter, about 1/3 stick 
• I use 99 Bananas Liqueur because it's 99 Proof, about ¼ cup 
• I use Bacardi 151 Rum - it kicks it up a notch, about 2 tbsp 
• Cinnamon, about ½ tsp 
• Nutmeg, about ½ tsp 
• Clove, about ¼ tsp 
• Fresh orange zest, about 1 tsp 
• Fresh Mint leaves (garnish, but still important)

This recipe is pretty dangerous, but if you pull it off, then you can . . . pull it off *Giggity*

1. Cut the bananas as you please. I like to cut them in half, then twice length-wise for a total of eight pieces. 
2. Over medium heat, melt the butter 
3. Mix the Cinnamon, Nutmeg and Clove 
4. Add the light brown sugar and orange zest along with the spices, but save a few pinches of the spices for later. 
5. Talk shit and patiently stir until only a small amount of gritty consistency remains, at which time you . . . 
6. Add the bananas and carefully stir them in the mixture, then as they soften . . . . 
7. Dim the lights a bit 
8. Place the liqueur and rum in a cup with a handle or a small sauce pan and carefully light it 
9. Hold flaming concoction over the pan and slowly pour it in from about 3 inches from the bananas and while pouring in the blue flame, raise it up higher but keeping it from splashing out. Catching fire is not sexy, but this makes you look amazing. It’s worth the risk. 
10. While your audience is “wowed” from the flaming bananas foster, sprinkle in the spices that will brilliantly burn in the flames and look really awesome. 
11. When the flames go out, remove from heat and serve over quality vanilla bean ice cream. 
12. Garnish with Mint

  YOU'RE A ROCK STAR!!!

Lifted from his profile pic, Michael Hutchence Facebook page

Leonard Cohen

Here’s a quickie to start out easy, but don't underestimate its potency.

Lifted from www.artistdirect.com

Named after one of my idols whose discography I own nearly all on vinyl, I call it the “Leonard Cohen” without his permission. I did ask on his Facebook page but Leonard Cohen hasn’t answered yet – but I hear him calling all night long (Tower of Song reference). I figure he would be honored as Mr. Cohen is a dangerously seductive, French-Canadian, Poet-King of Music. (And speaking of the King, you know Elvis had a thing for fried PBJs; however, they did not serve him well, RIP)

As with any of these recipes, mood is key. The atmosphere demands perfect lighting and sound. I suggest Maître Cohen’s Dance Me to the End of Love, I’m your Man, Closing Time, etc . . If you have none, stop being a Philistine and go get some! It may be all you really need.

Necessities:

Fresh Croissants (French)

Nutella (Canadian)

Peanut butter

Banana

Jam I like grape. She prefers raspberry. We compromise and use raspberry . . means-to-an-end, ya'll

Extra Virgin (LOL) Olive Oil mister Only if it’s available to you!

Let's get to it - this can get messy, but that can also be a good thing!

1. Lights, music, sexy eyes (requires practice in front of a mirror) 
2. Cut the moist, fresh croissants in long halves, but not all the way. They should be slightly attached and somewhat suggestive *wink* 
3. Ever so lightly, spray the croissant inside and out with EVOO. DO NOT USE A BRUSH – you’ll put too much on and fuck it up. The EVOO just makes it nice and crisp; you don’t want it greasy . . . yet. 
4. Open-faced, toast the croissants to a light brown in a pre-heated oven at 350 degrees. 
5. Spread Canada’s gift to the world on one side 
6. Spread George Washington Carver’s gift on the other 
7. Spoon on some jam 
8. Finally, arrange very thinly sliced bananas in the introitus

Now, say something funny, make her laugh, use protection, and if you’re adventurous maybe a little Nutella, jam and GO BANANAS!!